ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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