dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
