The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Randomize
