Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We are two peas in an std pod
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
