1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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