The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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