Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
