i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
