I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
