enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
