that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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