Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
