I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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