Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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