You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
