when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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