I faked an abortion last night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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