I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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