I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
