Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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