It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
