I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i love accidental penises.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
