I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
