he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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