i don't like sucking hair
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
