I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
