Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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