When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
