i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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