I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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