Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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