I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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