omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
