I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
