Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
