What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am one with the molecules
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
