new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
