so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
