I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
