i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
