you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
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Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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