I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
