Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
