and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
