Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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