Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
FUCK WHALES
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