also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
