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By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
