Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What drink are we having for lunch?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Randomize
