I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Enjoy the penises
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
