i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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