I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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