just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
