I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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