made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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