i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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