That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
