I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
