Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
