my phone needs a breathalizer
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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