Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
