my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
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Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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