I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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